Things the World Needs (As Dictated by Spongebob Squarepants)

          I'm sick. For the first time in about five years. And with one rare occasion comes another--I am actually blogging! WOO! YEAH! America.

          Like most sick people, I feel entitled to judge and complain about pretty much everything right now. And what better place to whine than the Internet? Besides the Democratic National Convention, I mean, because that already happened (BURN!). So I'm just going to blather on about things that should be changed in the world. At least, that was what I planned on doing until I realized that almost all of these things could be remedied by the ideals of that subterranean guru, Spongebob Squarepants, from whom I have learned so much over the years. But as I continued that list, I realized that some of these lessons are a little less than positive. So...enjoy this steaming pile of I don't even know.

1. The first thing I learned from Spongebob is that it doesn't matter if you work at a fast food restaurant or don't have a fancy boat like everyone else. As long as you're doing something you love, you will be happy. It also doesn't matter if you don't wear pants to work...or ever.

2. Animals from dry land are smarter than animals underwater, meaning racism is alive and well. Or something like that.

3. Genetics mean nothing (Mr. Krabs and Pearl).

4. All you need is a box and an imagination to have fun.

5. Every paint comes off with something.

6. If you are locked in a freezer, you will not die but will thaw out hundreds of years later completely unaged.

7. If your friend tries to be a doctor and fails, creating an even bigger problem that causes you to have to go to the hospital, it's perfectly okay to trust that same person to try again about six years later, despite the fact that they have had no additional medical schooling and weren't particularly intelligent in the first place.

8. Mayonnaise is not an instrument.

9. Being in law enforcement is super fun because you get your own theme song.

10. Unibrows are fancy. Gilded doorknobs are fancier. A unibrow made of gilded doorknobs is the fanciest.

11. Once you are an adult, you don't get things like sweaters and cookies. You have sideburns to keep you warm and steamed coral to provide nutrients.

12. Googly eyes on a rock is equal to fine art.

And finally,

13. No matter what the circumstances may be, any accident at all will result in someone getting their leg hurt.

          

The Queen of England is a LIE

          A few months ago, during the Queen's Diamond Jubilee or whatever, I realized something: Queen Elizabeth always wears a hat. Like, ALL THE TIME. And it's usually at such an angle that you can't really see her entire face, or else there's like a horse butt or a flower or something covering it. But why would the British want to obscure their beloved monarch's face? I'll tell you why: it's because the Queen is dead.
          If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Besides the whole face thing, there's a lot of other suspicious evidence. I mean, she's been queen for fifty or sixty years. Seems a little fishy. And she doesn't seem to have aged too much, either. I don't know what kind of fancy British Botox she's supposed to be using, but I guess it works pretty well.
          This overwhelming amount of suspicious behavior can only mean one thing: there's a scandal afoot. The queen--if that is even her real name--is an impostor.
          But why would the Queensmen (which is a name I made up for people who work for the queen) want to make it look like Q.E. is still alive? Several reasons. First, William and Kate. If the queen died, I'm pretty sure they are the new bosses (I talk like an eight-year-old). And they can't do cute little British married things if they're running a country, DUH. Which would pretty much put all tabloids out of business. So Operation Don't Tell About Our Dead Queen is economically sound. Secondly (is that a word?), the queen is like England's mascot. Can you imagine what it would be like if you woke up one day to find out Mickey Mouse had a stroke? It would ruin your world. Well, Q.E. is like England's Mickey. But with more hats. So when she died, they had to replace her without anyone noticing.
          Of course, such a plan would be incredibly difficult to carry out undetected. They had to have queen auditions to find someone who looked enough like the queen. But once they chose a new queen, they couldn't just let all the other old ladies roam free. So they had to kill them (that escalated quickly). Then arose the problem of what to do with the bodies--how suspicious would it look if a big group of ladies who all look extremely similar died at the same time and were all buried right next to each other? And this is the part of the plan that will answer all your questions about everything: they hide the bodies in the guards' big black fuzzy hats. Why do you think those guys aren't allowed to move? It's because if they do, they might drop an old lady arm! It all fits together a little too well to deny, don't you think? And here you thought I was crazy.
          Once they pick New Queen, they have to make her look even MORE like the real queen. So they have those people who can do like movie makeup and stuff come over and make her face shaped a little  differently, like making her nose a little longer or her jaw a little wider and stuff. Then, once they do that, they gradually add less and less of these elements to her face every time she appears in public, so everyone will think she just looks a little different with age. Eventually, she looks like herself again, and no one even knows because they think she's queen. And then SHE dies and they start all over again. This process has probably repeated about ten times by now, so the current "queen" probably looks nothing like the original, who could have been black for all we know.
           If you're British, I'm sorry for crushing your hopes and dreams. But think of it this way: you can be queen someday! Or, if you are male or look nothing like the "queen," you can be Mickey Mouse. So we're all winners here.

Fancy new stuff

          Ooh la la, what a fancy blog we have here! You see that header thing up there? The one with the cute little bunny on it? I MADE THAT. It took me a ridiculously long time, but at least now it looks slightly more like a vaguely interesting blog instead of a quilting website (which appears to be about 86% of Blogger). So let me introduce you to these high-tech new features!

• DARLING CUSTOM BACKGROUND: Not really much to say about this...it's blue? It's argyle? Woop.
• TAB BAR OF HOPE AND WONDER: Now you can click back and forth between different pages! Although right now I only have one page! So this is not really necessary! But I thought it looked cool! I really like exclamation points!
• LABELS OF THE FUTURE: This isn't really new, I just stopped being lazy and organized stuff. Hooray (Do people still say hooray? I don't think so. That's going to be my new thing. I'm bringing hooray back.)!
• THE GORGEOUS HEADER THING AGAIN: I just wanted all you people to know how hard I had to work on this thing. I don't have Photoshop or Illustrator or a computer that doesn't function like a drunken old man, so I had to make this like the cavemen used to make their blog headers. I first had to go on Paint (Yes, Paint still exists) and cut out my bunny. Then I had to go onto--are you ready for this?--my free downloaded trial version of Publisher (!), find a plain template, MEASURE MY HEADING BAR WITH AN ACTUAL PHYSICAL MEASURING TAPE, cut the template down to that size, spend four and a half hours doing stuff that would have taken any other less suckish laptop about twenty minutes, save it, go onto Blogger, upload my beautiful work of art, find out it was somehow still the wrong size, go back and save my Publisher thing as a .jpg, open it in Paint, resize it (repeat eight times), upload ot to Blogger again, and weep with happiness when I saw my blood, sweat and tears finally manifested into the glorious 11x4 rectangle most fourth graders could make in their computer classes. So you're welcome.

A Terrifying Thing

          I'm not one of those people who gets freaked out really easily. I have no problem with snakes, spiders, or lizards. I'm not superstitious and I don't believe in ghosts.

          But there is one thing that absolutely petrifies me.

          This is the only animal I have ever met that I don't find cute or lovable in some way. Whenever I see one, I just want to get away from it as fast as possible. This animal is so disgusting and freakish that I can't imagine why anyone would want to own one, much less go to look at one. This revolting creature absolutely terrifies me.

(NOTE: Brace yourself before scrolling down. You may want to get all children out of the room. Be aware that you may have nightmares for the rest of your life.)


























          That's right, I'm scared of goats.

          Just in case you're blind, I'll explain why. Look at its eyes! That's disgusting! You know why they're shaped like a minus sign? Because they're subtracting your soul. Seriously, don't look at them too long. Also, their bodies are really weird shapes. They have two big bulgy things coming out of their sides, like they're always pregnant. I like to call them their "evil pouches." I'm pretty sure that's what makes them scarier than all the other animals--they have that extra space to store their freaky.

          You still may think I'm a little weird for thinking this. So let me tell you a little story about how I discovered that goats are creepy.

          Once upon a time, we were going to a band festival thing. Because it was in the middle of nowhere, we stopped at this dairy farm that had the best ice cream I've ever had in my entire life. They also introduced me to the wonderful world of fried cheese curds, but that is irrelevant.
          Anyway, my one mission this entire trip was to pet a cow, obviously. So of course, the natural place to go when you want to pet something is the petting zoo.
          When we got to the petting zoo, I was dismayed to find the only animals they had were goats and sheep (Later, I did find an adorable baby cow to pet. It was in the cow barn for mysterious reasons.) But all my friends did not seem to understand that it was urgent I pet a cow AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, so I had to stand there and watch these lesser farm animals.
          Everything started out fine, and I even petted a couple goats. I was so young and naive. But then this one goat came up to us and just stood there.
          There was nothing really all that special about this goat. It was just a normal looking brownish-gray goat with soul-sucking eyes. The only thing weird about this goat was its ears. They were big and floppy, like most goat ears, but the bottom inch or so was really weird. It was kind of folded up and stuck to the rest of its ear. Being the good Samaritans that me and my friend are, we decided that did not look very comfortable and decided to help it. So my friend reached out her hand and very gently touched the goat's ear, which it seemed like it should be used to since it lives in a PETTING ZOO. But apparently not.
          This thing went ballistic. It kind of jumped in the air and hovered there for a second, making a noise I can only describe as an asthmatic cat stuck in a hair dryer. It was also kicking around like it was having an evil little seizure or something. And the entire time, it's just staring at us, like that ear was its evil on/off switch and it was thanking us for releasing its goatish powers. Have you ever had a goat stare at you in fury? It's weird. It changes a person. It's something you can't get out of your head, and I'm honestly surprised I haven't needed therapy.

          So, that's the story of why I'm scared of goats. The end. Makes sense now, doesn't it?

My Top Five Facebook Pet Peeves

          I realize this might be a little hypocritical, because I am probably the most obnoxious person on Facebook. But I'll let you in on a little secret: I try to be obnoxious. It's hilarious. People on Facebook are just magnified versions of their real life counterparts, so they're even more stupid, more easily offended, and more self-absorbed. Don't get me wrong; I really do think Facebook can be a valuable way to communicate with people you haven't seen in a long time or who live far away, but there are some things about it that just make me fear for the future of mankind. This is a countdown of the ten things about Facebook that make me mouth-vomit the most.

5. Posting WAY too many status updates.

          Sometimes, what you're doing is so exciting you just have to share it with the world. That's fine; once upon a time that was the original purpose for statuses. Here are some examples of circumstances where it is acceptable to post what you're doing at the moment:
          "I just discovered a cure for cancer in the form of a pill which tastes like waffles!"
          "I'm so glad I had time to wrestle that blind orphan out of that rabid grizzly bear's jaws before breakfast!"
          "Yay, I'm in space with a unicorn!"
          See, if those things popped up on your timeline, you would totally want to read them, right? Of course you would. But when people decide to post every single thing they do all day long, you not only get boring updates, you get a neverending list of boring updates that looks something like this:
          "Just got home from [insert place here], might hang out with Stacey/Kelsey/Kelly/Brittany later."
          "Getting ready to go over to StaceKelseKellBritt's! Trying to decide what shoes to wear."
          "Chose the sparkly shoes! Time to leave. Stackelskellbritt, I'll be there in about 20."
          "So happy to finally see Stakellbrit again. Squee!"
          "Going to the movies with Stkllbrt!"
          "Yay, I love hanging out with my bestfriend!*"
          Middle school girls of the world, go ahead and save yourself some time. Change your status to "Tell me how socially accepted I am" and go on with your life.

*See below

4. Using "bestfriend" as one word

          If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Go get a dictionary. No, not dictionary.com. Way to be lazy. I want you to go over to that shelf where you put all the stuff you don't use and find the dictionary. No, that's a stapler, but I suppose we're moving in the right direction. You can do this. No. Don't put that in your mouth! There you go. Now concentrate. Find the dictionary. It's the really big book. THERE you go. Okay, now turn to the "B" section (It comes after "A"). Do you see the word "bestfriend?" No? That's because IT ISN'T THERE. You can find "best" in there, and you can also find "friend." But not together. I don't know how this came to be a thing, but "bestfriend" is not a word in the English language. If you still are having trouble understanding this, look at these words. Goodfriends. Oldfriends. Generalacquaintances. See, those are not words. They are two (2) separate words with the space between them omitted. See how dumb that looks? Of course you do. So stop it.

3. Posting pictures of food

          I have no idea why this bothers me, and I might be the only person who feels this way. But I hate seeing people post pictures of what they're eating, probably because I just really don't care at all. If you are one of the people who does this, think of it this way: every time you post a picture of your food, exactly eight hours later, everyone will know not only know that you are pooping, but they will also know how painful it is based on the type of food. Be forewarned: If you are Facebook friends with me and you do this, I will wish you a successful dump six hours later on your wall where everyone can see it. Proceed with caution.

2. Complaining about "fake people"

          I cannot even tell you how many times I have seen people post "I hate fake people." I understand what you're trying to say, but your tiny brain can't seem to articulate it. You're saying you hate two-faced people, people who talk behind your back, and people who try to act like someone else. So why not just say that? "Fake" is probably around #327 on the list of words I would use to express my feelings in this situation. Let's analyze why.
          The definition of "fake" is "not real." Are you saying these people are human impersonators? Are they the products of aliens crossbred with robots and covered in human skin? If so, yeah, I would hate them too. That's messed up. On the other hand, by using such a general word, you're being a little selfish. If you've somehow found out about an alien plot to take over the world disguised as humans, I would like to know about it before my skin is peeled off and stretched around a robot skeleton. You're allowing everyone in the world to be killed because of your poor word choice. Way to go.

1. tYp1nq lyk Di$

          I really don't know why people do this. It doesn't make me think you're "gangsta" or that you "have swag" at all. The only way I've been able to avoid losing all faith in humanity when I see this is by inventing a fictional character whom I like to call K-Chops.
          K-Chops is an elderly man who is strongly opposed to technology of any sort. Raised in an Amish community, K-Chops left the farm in his thirties to fully devote himself to ending technological advances. After his many campaigns and marches against cell phones failed miserably, K-Chops decided he had taken one too many tomatoes to the head and switched to a different approach. Today, K-Chops has followers across the world dedicated to his cause. These people go around breaking into people's houses and chopping their keyboards in half (that's how K-Chops got his name).
          As you can imagine, it's rather difficult to type coherent sentences when you only have half a keyboard left to work with. These poor people have pressed on through adversity, doing the best they can with the keys they have left. It's a widespread problem, but these brave victims refuse to give up. They also seem to refuse to just buy a new keyboard, which is the one part of this theory that just doesn't add up. But I guess you have to spread the word somehow, and nothing makes people more protective of their keyboards than seeing the results of what could happen. It's like those new anti-smoking commercials thatshow the people with holes in their necks.

          This was originally going to be a list of ten things, but to be honest, I'm really tired of typing and I can't even narrow everything that annoys me about Facebook down to five more things. And I know you people* all have important things to do**, so I'm just going to end this here.

*My mom
**Farmville

         

Disney Characters Are Unrealistic

          Pretty much everyone in the United States--and probably beyond--watched the classic Disney movies growing up. Obviously, a lot of the talking animals and spontaneous yet well-choreographed songs in these movies aren't real, but even some of the human characters are really unrealistic

Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

          Okay, I see what the moral of the story is supposed to be: form your opinions of people based on their personalities, not their appearance. But apparently, that idea only applies as long as everyone ends up being both attractive and rich at the end, because everyone knows good things only happen to you if you're pretty. But I guess being pretty enough to earn being called Beauty is supposed to make up for everything else wrong with Belle. She's considered the "smart princess," I guess because she reads a lot, but how much are you really going to get out of a book when you only read while singing, dancing, and carrying out a conversation with various townspeople all at once? Also, the way she falls in "love" with the Beast is a little sketchy. She befriends a giant hairy monster dude with fangs because a teapot told her to.Good thing that big yellow dress is pretty much just a portable padded room.



Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

          Okay. Just look at this girl. THAT IS NOT NATURAL. I have no idea how you would go about dying your hair underwater, but even if that was somehow possible, it's not going to stay that flowy all the time. Now look at her eyes. Those things are freakishly huge. Eyes are spheres, Disney--part of them is inside of her head. Just imagine how much room those vapid golf balls must take up. Where exactly does her brain go? Ah, but that's the magic of Disney; girls don't have brains! Which explains my next issue with Little Miss No-Legs. At one point in the movie, she's singing about the world of land while examining all the mysterious items she collected. She is especially fascinated by a fork and doesn't seem to know what to do with it because she has never seen before. Because I guess the GIANT FORK HER DAD CARRIES AT ALL TIMES hasn't left much of an impression.
Lastly, there is one big problem with Ariel that I haven't been able to get over since I was about four, and if anyone can answer this they will be my hero forever. How does she poop?



Tiana (The Princess and the Frog)

          I haven't actually seen this movie, so maybe that's just why parts of it don't make sense to me. Tiana is Disney's first (and probably only) black princess. I see what they're trying to do, and I think that's great, but some of the logistics still don't quite add up. All the other princesses live in a place that actually exists (France, China, England, India, the ocean, etc.). I'm not trying to be racist at all here, but the only countries I can think of that have a black royal family would be in Africa. And maybe their governmental assets would be better spent on ending starvation and preventing malaria than on sparkly blue dresses. But maybe that's just me.

UPDATE: I looked up some info on this movie, and it turns out Tiana is actually an American, and is not a princess at all, but a waitress who aspires to open her own restaurant called Tiana's Palace. That's actually super cute and is probably one of the only Disney movies where the girl is actually able to do something on her own. I kind of want to go see this movie now.



(Almost) All the Princes

          For the record, I'm mostly talking about the very earliest Disney princess movies (specifically Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Belle). The more recent ones have gotten a lot better and don't do these things as much.

          Most of Disney's characters are pretty two-dimensional (well, technically ALL of them are two-dimensional, but I'm talking personality-wise), but I think the task of character development for the prince role must be given to the laziest and stupidest interns Disney can find. The prince's only role in these movies is to marry the princess. His personality, interests, and even the country he rules aren't really all that important, all that matters is that he saves the princess from whatever stupid and incompetent girlish mischief she's gotten herself into before her hair gets messed up.
          These princes are so similar in the way they look, act, dress, and recite generic and limited lines that Disney didn't even bother to give some of them real names. Prince Phillip and Prince Eric are okay, except for the fact that 'Prince' appears to be their first name, but Cinderella falls in love with Prince Charming, who I would assume has family members with names like Duke Generosity and Sir Fancy the Glamorous. As if it weren't bad enough that he decided he was going to marry her after about three hours, he  forgot what she looked like and had to figure out what she looked like based on her shoe size. Which is totally a legitimate way to ID someone, because no one wears the same shoe size. I'm thinking if you know so little about someone that you've forgotten their hair color, you might want to postpone the wedding for a while. And it shouldn't have been that hard to figure out who Cinderella was in the first place, because everyone knows Cinderella was nice, and only ugly people are mean, so he really didn't even have to bother with her ugly stepsisters.
          But the very worst name of all belongs to The Prince in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. No, that wasn't sloppy capitalization, that's his name. I checked. Four times. This poor guy actually has "The" as his first name on his birth certificate. I guess that's okay, though, because his girlfriend gets her name from being whiter than WonderBread, and everyone else in that movie has an adjective for a name.

Confusion

Hmm...so, I guess I have a blog now. This is my first time making a real blog; I've made websites on webs.com before, but I always end up feeling like I've destroyed the internet. I really don't know what to write about, but I guess it doesn't really matter, because I doubt anyone is going to be reading this anyway. So yeah.