Saturday, January 25, 2014

Snow, Etc.

I live in Ohio, a state which is not exactly famous for its weather. Not because the weather is always bad ("always" is a strong word), but because it is incredibly inconsistent. It could be snowing one day and 65 degrees the next.
Right now, like the rest of the country (except Alaska, for some reason, which is a balmy 30 degrees), we are experiencing part two of the so-called Polar Vortex. It's cold. Very cold. Cold enough to cancel school without needing snow, which is kind of a big deal because my school district has had exactly one snow day in the two years before this. And before that, we hadn't had a snow day since there was an actual blizzard. So yeah, the cold is pretty significant.
Ah, the Polar Vortex. What a great name. It makes me think of a tornado made of polar bears, which I feel like could also make a pretty successful Coke commercial. It actually inspired me so much that I decided to create a list of other intense terms for very specific weather conditions. Here they are.

Liquid Massacre: When it rains a lot. Like a whole lot. Like hurricane level rain. Not just like "Oh, it's raining! Darn!" but more like "AH IT'S RAINING! D.A.R.N.*!"

*Acronym: Dangerous Amount of Rain Now

Liquid Homicide: Like a Liquid Massacre, but only for a short period of time.

The Boy Who Cried Liquid Massacre: Someone who calls the rain a Liquid Massacre when it's actually just raining. See also "Thunder Blunderer."

The Electric Slide: When lightning strikes a playground.

The Electric Eel: When lightning strikes an aquarium.

Angel Farts: Quiet, almost dainty thunder.

That's So Raven: When you drive into the eye of a hurricane very quickly and briefly see into the future.

Cory in the House: The person who attempted the "That's So Raven" but ended up just looking like an idiot.

Volcanic Madness: When a volcano erupts and everyone runs away screaming. Also applicable to some sort of disease where the main symptoms are emotional outbursts and delusion.

Volcanic Sadness: When a volcano erupts but the lava comes out so slowly that the volcano looks like it's crying.

Summertime Sadness: That period of time in late spring where it's hot enough to feel like summer but all the pools are closed.

Tundra Explosion: When it gets really cold really quickly.

Ice, Ice Maybe: When everyone's predicting bad winter weather, but no one is really sure.

Tropical Transfusion: High humidity in places that are landlocked.

Sun Bludgeon: When you get a sunburn on top of another healing sunburn.

Sarah McLachlan's Christmas Bonus Check: When it literally rains cats and dogs; as in, animals are falling from the sky and being put in shelters. I doubt this will ever happen, but if it does, I want to be the one person not using the same phrase.

Stay warm, everybody!