Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Terrifying Thing

          I'm not one of those people who gets freaked out really easily. I have no problem with snakes, spiders, or lizards. I'm not superstitious and I don't believe in ghosts.

          But there is one thing that absolutely petrifies me.

          This is the only animal I have ever met that I don't find cute or lovable in some way. Whenever I see one, I just want to get away from it as fast as possible. This animal is so disgusting and freakish that I can't imagine why anyone would want to own one, much less go to look at one. This revolting creature absolutely terrifies me.

(NOTE: Brace yourself before scrolling down. You may want to get all children out of the room. Be aware that you may have nightmares for the rest of your life.)

          That's right, I'm scared of goats.

          Just in case you're blind, I'll explain why. Look at its eyes! That's disgusting! You know why they're shaped like a minus sign? Because they're subtracting your soul. Seriously, don't look at them too long. Also, their bodies are really weird shapes. They have two big bulgy things coming out of their sides, like they're always pregnant. I like to call them their "evil pouches." I'm pretty sure that's what makes them scarier than all the other animals--they have that extra space to store their freaky.

          You still may think I'm a little weird for thinking this. So let me tell you a little story about how I discovered that goats are creepy.

          Once upon a time, we were going to a band festival thing. Because it was in the middle of nowhere, we stopped at this dairy farm that had the best ice cream I've ever had in my entire life. They also introduced me to the wonderful world of fried cheese curds, but that is irrelevant.
          Anyway, my one mission this entire trip was to pet a cow, obviously. So of course, the natural place to go when you want to pet something is the petting zoo.
          When we got to the petting zoo, I was dismayed to find the only animals they had were goats and sheep (Later, I did find an adorable baby cow to pet. It was in the cow barn for mysterious reasons.) But all my friends did not seem to understand that it was urgent I pet a cow AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, so I had to stand there and watch these lesser farm animals.
          Everything started out fine, and I even petted a couple goats. I was so young and naive. But then this one goat came up to us and just stood there.
          There was nothing really all that special about this goat. It was just a normal looking brownish-gray goat with soul-sucking eyes. The only thing weird about this goat was its ears. They were big and floppy, like most goat ears, but the bottom inch or so was really weird. It was kind of folded up and stuck to the rest of its ear. Being the good Samaritans that me and my friend are, we decided that did not look very comfortable and decided to help it. So my friend reached out her hand and very gently touched the goat's ear, which it seemed like it should be used to since it lives in a PETTING ZOO. But apparently not.
          This thing went ballistic. It kind of jumped in the air and hovered there for a second, making a noise I can only describe as an asthmatic cat stuck in a hair dryer. It was also kicking around like it was having an evil little seizure or something. And the entire time, it's just staring at us, like that ear was its evil on/off switch and it was thanking us for releasing its goatish powers. Have you ever had a goat stare at you in fury? It's weird. It changes a person. It's something you can't get out of your head, and I'm honestly surprised I haven't needed therapy.

          So, that's the story of why I'm scared of goats. The end. Makes sense now, doesn't it?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

My Top Five Facebook Pet Peeves

          I realize this might be a little hypocritical, because I am probably the most obnoxious person on Facebook. But I'll let you in on a little secret: I try to be obnoxious. It's hilarious. People on Facebook are just magnified versions of their real life counterparts, so they're even more stupid, more easily offended, and more self-absorbed. Don't get me wrong; I really do think Facebook can be a valuable way to communicate with people you haven't seen in a long time or who live far away, but there are some things about it that just make me fear for the future of mankind. This is a countdown of the ten things about Facebook that make me mouth-vomit the most.

5. Posting WAY too many status updates.

          Sometimes, what you're doing is so exciting you just have to share it with the world. That's fine; once upon a time that was the original purpose for statuses. Here are some examples of circumstances where it is acceptable to post what you're doing at the moment:
          "I just discovered a cure for cancer in the form of a pill which tastes like waffles!"
          "I'm so glad I had time to wrestle that blind orphan out of that rabid grizzly bear's jaws before breakfast!"
          "Yay, I'm in space with a unicorn!"
          See, if those things popped up on your timeline, you would totally want to read them, right? Of course you would. But when people decide to post every single thing they do all day long, you not only get boring updates, you get a neverending list of boring updates that looks something like this:
          "Just got home from [insert place here], might hang out with Stacey/Kelsey/Kelly/Brittany later."
          "Getting ready to go over to StaceKelseKellBritt's! Trying to decide what shoes to wear."
          "Chose the sparkly shoes! Time to leave. Stackelskellbritt, I'll be there in about 20."
          "So happy to finally see Stakellbrit again. Squee!"
          "Going to the movies with Stkllbrt!"
          "Yay, I love hanging out with my bestfriend!*"
          Middle school girls of the world, go ahead and save yourself some time. Change your status to "Tell me how socially accepted I am" and go on with your life.

*See below

4. Using "bestfriend" as one word

          If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Go get a dictionary. No, not Way to be lazy. I want you to go over to that shelf where you put all the stuff you don't use and find the dictionary. No, that's a stapler, but I suppose we're moving in the right direction. You can do this. No. Don't put that in your mouth! There you go. Now concentrate. Find the dictionary. It's the really big book. THERE you go. Okay, now turn to the "B" section (It comes after "A"). Do you see the word "bestfriend?" No? That's because IT ISN'T THERE. You can find "best" in there, and you can also find "friend." But not together. I don't know how this came to be a thing, but "bestfriend" is not a word in the English language. If you still are having trouble understanding this, look at these words. Goodfriends. Oldfriends. Generalacquaintances. See, those are not words. They are two (2) separate words with the space between them omitted. See how dumb that looks? Of course you do. So stop it.

3. Posting pictures of food

          I have no idea why this bothers me, and I might be the only person who feels this way. But I hate seeing people post pictures of what they're eating, probably because I just really don't care at all. If you are one of the people who does this, think of it this way: every time you post a picture of your food, exactly eight hours later, everyone will know not only know that you are pooping, but they will also know how painful it is based on the type of food. Be forewarned: If you are Facebook friends with me and you do this, I will wish you a successful dump six hours later on your wall where everyone can see it. Proceed with caution.

2. Complaining about "fake people"

          I cannot even tell you how many times I have seen people post "I hate fake people." I understand what you're trying to say, but your tiny brain can't seem to articulate it. You're saying you hate two-faced people, people who talk behind your back, and people who try to act like someone else. So why not just say that? "Fake" is probably around #327 on the list of words I would use to express my feelings in this situation. Let's analyze why.
          The definition of "fake" is "not real." Are you saying these people are human impersonators? Are they the products of aliens crossbred with robots and covered in human skin? If so, yeah, I would hate them too. That's messed up. On the other hand, by using such a general word, you're being a little selfish. If you've somehow found out about an alien plot to take over the world disguised as humans, I would like to know about it before my skin is peeled off and stretched around a robot skeleton. You're allowing everyone in the world to be killed because of your poor word choice. Way to go.

1. tYp1nq lyk Di$

          I really don't know why people do this. It doesn't make me think you're "gangsta" or that you "have swag" at all. The only way I've been able to avoid losing all faith in humanity when I see this is by inventing a fictional character whom I like to call K-Chops.
          K-Chops is an elderly man who is strongly opposed to technology of any sort. Raised in an Amish community, K-Chops left the farm in his thirties to fully devote himself to ending technological advances. After his many campaigns and marches against cell phones failed miserably, K-Chops decided he had taken one too many tomatoes to the head and switched to a different approach. Today, K-Chops has followers across the world dedicated to his cause. These people go around breaking into people's houses and chopping their keyboards in half (that's how K-Chops got his name).
          As you can imagine, it's rather difficult to type coherent sentences when you only have half a keyboard left to work with. These poor people have pressed on through adversity, doing the best they can with the keys they have left. It's a widespread problem, but these brave victims refuse to give up. They also seem to refuse to just buy a new keyboard, which is the one part of this theory that just doesn't add up. But I guess you have to spread the word somehow, and nothing makes people more protective of their keyboards than seeing the results of what could happen. It's like those new anti-smoking commercials thatshow the people with holes in their necks.

          This was originally going to be a list of ten things, but to be honest, I'm really tired of typing and I can't even narrow everything that annoys me about Facebook down to five more things. And I know you people* all have important things to do**, so I'm just going to end this here.

*My mom


Monday, April 2, 2012

Disney Characters Are Unrealistic

          Pretty much everyone in the United States--and probably beyond--watched the classic Disney movies growing up. Obviously, a lot of the talking animals and spontaneous yet well-choreographed songs in these movies aren't real, but even some of the human characters are really unrealistic

Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

          Okay, I see what the moral of the story is supposed to be: form your opinions of people based on their personalities, not their appearance. But apparently, that idea only applies as long as everyone ends up being both attractive and rich at the end, because everyone knows good things only happen to you if you're pretty. But I guess being pretty enough to earn being called Beauty is supposed to make up for everything else wrong with Belle. She's considered the "smart princess," I guess because she reads a lot, but how much are you really going to get out of a book when you only read while singing, dancing, and carrying out a conversation with various townspeople all at once? Also, the way she falls in "love" with the Beast is a little sketchy. She befriends a giant hairy monster dude with fangs because a teapot told her to.Good thing that big yellow dress is pretty much just a portable padded room.

Ariel mermaid.jpg

Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

          Okay. Just look at this girl. THAT IS NOT NATURAL. I have no idea how you would go about dying your hair underwater, but even if that was somehow possible, it's not going to stay that flowy all the time. Now look at her eyes. Those things are freakishly huge. Eyes are spheres, Disney--part of them is inside of her head. Just imagine how much room those vapid golf balls must take up. Where exactly does her brain go? Ah, but that's the magic of Disney; girls don't have brains! Which explains my next issue with Little Miss No-Legs. At one point in the movie, she's singing about the world of land while examining all the mysterious items she collected. She is especially fascinated by a fork and doesn't seem to know what to do with it because she has never seen before. Because I guess the GIANT FORK HER DAD CARRIES AT ALL TIMES hasn't left much of an impression.
Lastly, there is one big problem with Ariel that I haven't been able to get over since I was about four, and if anyone can answer this they will be my hero forever. How does she poop?

Princess Tianna.jpg

Tiana (The Princess and the Frog)

          I haven't actually seen this movie, so maybe that's just why parts of it don't make sense to me. Tiana is Disney's first (and probably only) black princess. I see what they're trying to do, and I think that's great, but some of the logistics still don't quite add up. All the other princesses live in a place that actually exists (France, China, England, India, the ocean, etc.). I'm not trying to be racist at all here, but the only countries I can think of that have a black royal family would be in Africa. And maybe their governmental assets would be better spent on ending starvation and preventing malaria than on sparkly blue dresses. But maybe that's just me.

UPDATE: I looked up some info on this movie, and it turns out Tiana is actually an American, and is not a princess at all, but a waitress who aspires to open her own restaurant called Tiana's Palace. That's actually super cute and is probably one of the only Disney movies where the girl is actually able to do something on her own. I kind of want to go see this movie now.

(Almost) All the Princes

          For the record, I'm mostly talking about the very earliest Disney princess movies (specifically Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Belle). The more recent ones have gotten a lot better and don't do these things as much.

          Most of Disney's characters are pretty two-dimensional (well, technically ALL of them are two-dimensional, but I'm talking personality-wise), but I think the task of character development for the prince role must be given to the laziest and stupidest interns Disney can find. The prince's only role in these movies is to marry the princess. His personality, interests, and even the country he rules aren't really all that important, all that matters is that he saves the princess from whatever stupid and incompetent girlish mischief she's gotten herself into before her hair gets messed up.
          These princes are so similar in the way they look, act, dress, and recite generic and limited lines that Disney didn't even bother to give some of them real names. Prince Phillip and Prince Eric are okay, except for the fact that 'Prince' appears to be their first name, but Cinderella falls in love with Prince Charming, who I would assume has family members with names like Duke Generosity and Sir Fancy the Glamorous. As if it weren't bad enough that he decided he was going to marry her after about three hours, he  forgot what she looked like and had to figure out what she looked like based on her shoe size. Which is totally a legitimate way to ID someone, because no one wears the same shoe size. I'm thinking if you know so little about someone that you've forgotten their hair color, you might want to postpone the wedding for a while. And it shouldn't have been that hard to figure out who Cinderella was in the first place, because everyone knows Cinderella was nice, and only ugly people are mean, so he really didn't even have to bother with her ugly stepsisters.
          But the very worst name of all belongs to The Prince in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. No, that wasn't sloppy capitalization, that's his name. I checked. Four times. This poor guy actually has "The" as his first name on his birth certificate. I guess that's okay, though, because his girlfriend gets her name from being whiter than WonderBread, and everyone else in that movie has an adjective for a name.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Why I Hate April Fool's Day

My entire life, I have always loved April Fool's Day. What's not to like? You just get to mess with people for an entire day. It's like they based a holiday around what I do every day. April Fool's Day is the obnoxious person's Christmas. So I've always gotten pretty pumped for it every year.
Until last year.
It was a Monday. Everything was going pretty well, especially because I just got Beans the day before (by the way, that means yesterday was his birthday. He turned approximately one-ish. We're having a party later. Pictures will follow, unless he refuses to pose; he's kind of a diva.). Anyway, my mom woke me up and told me to come look in Beans' room. The top of his cage was ripped off, there was red stuff all over, and HE WAS GONE. Then my mom said, "Did you remember to close the door last night?" That's right, SHE WAS ACTING LIKE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. What kind of sick twisted person accuses their sweet little daughter of killing a bunny before breakfast?
Obviously, I started crying, because I thought my dog ate my rabbit, not to mention the fact that the cage and everything was kind of expensive and and hadn't even gotten my money's worth out of it, and I was also still half asleep. And then my mom decided she was done being awful and my brother came upstairs holding Beans, who was perfectly fine. My brother was laughing so I punched him. The end.