Monday, November 19, 2012

Things the World Needs (As Dictated by Spongebob Squarepants)

          I'm sick. For the first time in about five years. And with one rare occasion comes another--I am actually blogging! WOO! YEAH! America.
          Like most sick people, I feel entitled to judge and complain about pretty much everything right now. And what better place to whine than the Internet? Besides the Democratic National Convention, I mean, because that already happened (BURN!). So I'm just going to blather on about things that should be changed in the world. At least, that was what I planned on doing until I realized that almost all of these things could be remedied by the ideals of that subterranean guru, Spongebob Squarepants, from whom I have learned so much over the years. But as I continued that list, I realized that some of these lessons are a little less than positive. So...enjoy this steaming pile of I don't even know.

1. The first thing I learned from Spongebob is that it doesn't matter if you work at a fast food restaurant or don't have a fancy boat like everyone else. As long as you're doing something you love, you will be happy. It also doesn't matter if you don't wear pants to work...or ever.

2. Animals from dry land are smarter than animals underwater, meaning racism is alive and well. Or something like that.

3. Genetics mean nothing (Mr. Krabs and Pearl).

4. All you need is a box and an imagination to have fun.

5. Every paint comes off with something.

6. If you are locked in a freezer, you will not die but will thaw out hundreds of years later completely unaged.

7. If your friend tries to be a doctor and fails, creating an even bigger problem that causes you to have to go to the hospital, it's perfectly okay to trust that same person to try again about six years later, despite the fact that they have had no additional medical schooling and weren't particularly intelligent in the first place.

8. Mayonnaise is not an instrument.

9. Being in law enforcement is super fun because you get your own theme song.

10. Unibrows are fancy. Gilded doorknobs are fancier. A unibrow made of gilded doorknobs is the fanciest.

11. Once you are an adult, you don't get things like sweaters and cookies. You have sideburns to keep you warm and steamed coral to provide nutrients.

12. Googly eyes on a rock is equal to fine art.

And finally,

13. No matter what the circumstances may be, any accident at all will result in someone getting their leg hurt.
          

Sunday, August 5, 2012

The Queen of England is a LIE

          A few months ago, during the Queen's Diamond Jubilee or whatever, I realized something: Queen Elizabeth always wears a hat. Like, ALL THE TIME. And it's usually at such an angle that you can't really see her entire face, or else there's like a horse butt or a flower or something covering it. But why would the British want to obscure their beloved monarch's face? I'll tell you why: it's because the Queen is dead.
          If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Besides the whole face thing, there's a lot of other suspicious evidence. I mean, she's been queen for fifty or sixty years. Seems a little fishy. And she doesn't seem to have aged too much, either. I don't know what kind of fancy British Botox she's supposed to be using, but I guess it works pretty well.
          This overwhelming amount of suspicious behavior can only mean one thing: there's a scandal afoot. The queen--if that is even her real name--is an impostor.
          But why would the Queensmen (which is a name I made up for people who work for the queen) want to make it look like Q.E. is still alive? Several reasons. First, William and Kate. If the queen died, I'm pretty sure they are the new bosses (I talk like an eight-year-old). And they can't do cute little British married things if they're running a country, DUH. Which would pretty much put all tabloids out of business. So Operation Don't Tell About Our Dead Queen is economically sound. Secondly (is that a word?), the queen is like England's mascot. Can you imagine what it would be like if you woke up one day to find out Mickey Mouse had a stroke? It would ruin your world. Well, Q.E. is like England's Mickey. But with more hats. So when she died, they had to replace her without anyone noticing.
          Of course, such a plan would be incredibly difficult to carry out undetected. They had to have queen auditions to find someone who looked enough like the queen. But once they chose a new queen, they couldn't just let all the other old ladies roam free. So they had to kill them (that escalated quickly). Then arose the problem of what to do with the bodies--how suspicious would it look if a big group of ladies who all look extremely similar died at the same time and were all buried right next to each other? And this is the part of the plan that will answer all your questions about everything: they hide the bodies in the guards' big black fuzzy hats. Why do you think those guys aren't allowed to move? It's because if they do, they might drop an old lady arm! It all fits together a little too well to deny, don't you think? And here you thought I was crazy.
          Once they pick New Queen, they have to make her look even MORE like the real queen. So they have those people who can do like movie makeup and stuff come over and make her face shaped a little  differently, like making her nose a little longer or her jaw a little wider and stuff. Then, once they do that, they gradually add less and less of these elements to her face every time she appears in public, so everyone will think she just looks a little different with age. Eventually, she looks like herself again, and no one even knows because they think she's queen. And then SHE dies and they start all over again. This process has probably repeated about ten times by now, so the current "queen" probably looks nothing like the original, who could have been black for all we know.
           If you're British, I'm sorry for crushing your hopes and dreams. But think of it this way: you can be queen someday! Or, if you are male or look nothing like the "queen," you can be Mickey Mouse. So we're all winners here.

Monday, July 9, 2012

Tumblr

So...I made a Tumblr. I don't get it, but you can follow me if it so fancies you.You can find it on the Links page. It's not really very interesting, but I imported all my old blog posts onto it. I would be terrible at advertising.

I Might Be a Pegasister

          OK, I have a confession. I am in love with "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic." If you've never heard of it--which apparently is the case with most people I know--it's basically about a group of colorful pony friends who live in Ponyville and have all kinds of adorable adventures.
          I turned it on once, just as a joke, to make fun of it and stuff. Which I did, but at the same time, I was thinking, wait a minute, I kind of love this. I thought it was going to be like all other kid shows, which have no plot and have to teach one of three main lessons (sharing, being yourself, and responsibility). While MLP:FiM (as those in the know call it) does usually have some kind of lesson, the plot lines are original and well thought out and actually carry on throughout several episodes. It's just generally very well made.
          Apparently, many other people are into this, too. Full grown adults and some teenagers are super interested in this show--way more than me; I've only actually seen like three or four episodes total. And in case that wasn't awesome enough, they have a cool name. The guys are Bronies and the girls are Pegasisters. There's whole online communities completely dedicated to this show, and I personally think it's pretty cool. If you're laughing right now, you've probably never even watched the show. Seriously, just go watch five minutes of this show, and if you aren't hooked, you and your black hole of a heart can laugh at me all day long. I think the main attraction of this show is that it's everything sweet and cute and colorful and innocent all wrapped up in one, but it still has detailed animation (look at their mouths when they're talking) and plotlines. I love love love it. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to watch the episodes online, because I just discovered while writing this that I no longer get the Hub channel. It was a sad moment.
          I'm not sure if I can officially call myself a Pegasister yet, since I've only seen a few episodes. But I think I'm going to end up getting pretty into it. I know this is going to result in a lot of ridicule (my mom told me I had a medication issue), but I don't even care. You can keep your violent video games and TV dramas. I'm gonna stick with my ponies.
          Brohoof.

NOTE: If you are interested in MLP:FiM, you may want to check out these links for user-generated content and information.
http://www.equestriadaily.com/
http://bronies.memebase.com/
http://www.bronies.com/

Friday, June 15, 2012

Journal Prompt #2

          Hi! Okay, today's prompt is still a little vague, just to get your creative juices flowing (that actually sounds pretty gross). I promise they'll get more interesting over time, but I know when you first start writing, you usually need some freedom. Today, you need to write a fictional story. But here's the catch: you can't think about it. This is the way I always tell stories, and they always come out awesome. People ask me to tell them stories all the time, stop asking about it! There's no outlining or character development. You pretty much just say the first thing that pops into your head. That way, instead of writing a boring story with a moral or plot or other dumb stuff like that, you get a hilarious adventure of a waffle riding a unicorn to Bulgaria to discover the power of friendship. And no cheating. If you need a noun, and you think platypus but you want to write nasal congestion, get over yourself and write platypus.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Journal Prompt #1

          Alright, everybody. It's the moment you've all been waiting for (I hope). The very first journal prompt!
          This is an easy one; sort of a way to ease into it and set the tone for the rest of your journal. Write a letter/sign/introductory page warning any snooping eyes not to read on. Paranoia is a plus. Threats are better. Maybe draw a picture of a menacing animal to really drive the point home. Maybe rig up some kind of noise thing that will go off whenever your journal is opened (I've been trying to think of a way to do this with one of those cards that plays a song when you open it, but no luck so far). Maybe even make a fake cover that makes it look like a different book. Get creative.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

The Super Stupendous Journal Experience

          I recently decided to get back into journaling, which I've tried pretty much every six months or so for my entire life and have always ended up failing. So this time, I decided to do a little research. I Googled journal ideas (your move, chess club) and was uninspired. Most of these ideas start off by introducing the purpose behind keeping a journal, which is usually to discover your true self or whatever. Which is cool and stuff. But then the prompts are these stupid things like "make a list of your favorite foods" or "write a letter to someone who inspires you." What is this, a sixth grade English class? Call me crazy, but I don't think writing down how much you love pineapple or Abraham Lincoln is really going to inspire you too much (and if it does, you are an extremely boring person and we probably would not be friends). Then I saw this idea of a journal challenge at http://iheartrunwithscissors.blogspot.com/ (which is an absolutely adorable blog, by the way), where every day a new journal prompt is posted, and then people post pictures of their journal entries. It's super cute. However, I chose not to do this, mostly because most of these entries are really artistic and I'm more into the writing side of keeping a journal. But then I thought to myself, hey, I have a blog! And thus, the Super Stupendous Journal Experience was born.
          Basically, I'm pretty much going to do the same thing as the other journal challenge. I'm going to post a new journal prompt every now and then (I won't promise every day, because I'm a busy person), and they will be interesting. If you want to write about how much you love cupcakes, by all means, exit this window, grab your Justin Beiber notebook and go to town. But if you are awesome and REALLY want to create a journal that you will want to continue for years to come, then please join me. Here are the rules:
          1. THERE ARE NO RULES. That's the beauty of a journal; you don't have to do what anyone else tells you, and you don't have to worry about what anyone's going to think. It's YOUR journal--that's the whole point. You don't even have to write every single day. You don't even have to write about the prompt. Maybe the prompt is about describing the grossest thing that ever happened to you, and you're all like, nah, I really just wanna draw a potato. You draw that potato.
          2. By no means do you have to post what you've written--or share it with anyone at all, for that matter--but I would love to see everyone's thoughts!
          3. This is the only actual rule (which I guess means Rule 1 was kind of a lie): if you decide you would like to participate, leave a comment on this post. I just want to know how many people are actually writing!
          4. Even if you don't want to share your journal entries, I would love to hear about your progress. Feel free to leave me a comment or whatever about whether you're having fun, what you're having trouble with, if you did or didn't like a certain prompt, etc. I'm seriously just making this up as I go along, so the more feedback, the better.
          5. If you have an idea for a prompt--or if you just want another way to give/get feedback--follow me on Twitter (@thebardashian).

          Hopefully people will actually do this! I'll post the first prompt tomorrow!

America's Biggest Problem

          At this point, I think we can all admit this country has some serious problems that need to be addressed (most of which have something to do with somebody whose name rhymes with Schmarack Globama). But today, I'm not going to focus on the economy, foreign policy, or any other shananigans those liberals have gotten themselves into lately. No, I'm going to talk about an issue that no one else seems to have any concern over, and that is completely appalling to me. Grammar.
          Somebody really needs to get working on the public education system, because it really sucks. The priorities are so skewed. Can someone please explain to me why it is more important to know how to derive a function than know the difference between "your" and "you're," or why people can list off dozens of Civil War battles but don't know how to spell basic three-syllable words? I'll tell you why; it's because they let any idiot stand in front of a classroom. If standards keep going even further downhill from here, I am bracing myself to have a Speak and Spell as a college professor.
          But there are some things about grammar that I can't even blame on the schools. I think America's combination of contentment with stupidity and hipster culture has caused people to start drumming up new grammatical errors, because proper use of the English language is SO mainstream.
          Without further ado, here is a list of quick grammar lessons with corresponding phrases to help you learn them. If you don't learn these things, I am starting an army which will go around pantsing grammar offenders.

1. Rule: When ending a quotation, place punctuation (comma, period, etc.) BEFORE the end quote.
Correct: "I am an educated individual who understands the English language," said Professor N. Telligent.
Incorrect: "I am a blithering idiot", said Dum E. Pants.
Hint: If you put punctuation outside a quote, disgusting pus will come out of your throat!

2. Rule: Don't end a sentence with a preposition.
Correct: I can't decide with which of my many friends I should celebrate my Smartest Person in the World party!
Incorrect: Now that I am an idiot and have no friends, I have no way of knowing where my life saving medication is at.
Hint: Only those with a poor disposition end a sentence with a preposition.

3. Rule: "You're" is a contraction of "you are," while "your" is used to show ownership.
Correct: I'll be your best friend if you're going to keep up that awesome grammar usage!
Incorrect: Your almost as dumb as me!
Hint: If you use "your" when you mean "you are," your brain's as useful as a jar!

4. "A lot" is two words.
Correct: I sure am having a lot of fun being this smart!
Incorrect: I'm having alot of diarrhea.
Hint: If you put "a" and "lot" together, I'M GOING TO SEND YOU PICTURES OF SPACE BARS AS WELL AS A LINK TO http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ UNTIL YOU GET THE POINT.

I don't want everyone's tiny little brains to get overwhelmed with too much complex information, so I'm just going to end this here. So spend a little less time tweeting about your "bestfriend" and get to know your new buddy, the apostrophe (that's the one that looks like this: ').

Monday, June 11, 2012

A Very Long Way To Explain How I Found a Bunny with a Waffle on Its Head

          Beans has been having some tummy trouble lately, so I was looking up some stuff today to try and figure out if I should take him to the vet or not (Can anyone give me advice on this? He has big clumps of poop stuck to his butt a lot, but it's been going on for about a month now off and on. I'm thinking he has some kind of dietary problem going on, but I can't really think of anything I've changed. Also, it seems like gastrointestinal stuff is normally accompanied by lethargy or depression, and he's playing pretty much the same amount as he always does. For non bunny lovers, I know, it's gross. Poop is a part of the bunny life), which was pretty alarming, considering everything basically boils down to "your bunny will be fine one day, and then he'll poop weird one time, and then he'll die instantly." So I was getting pretty worried, and then I found this thing that just made me smile.
http://www.knockknockstuff.com/blog/2011/bunny-with-a-pancake-we-couldnt-help-it/
          It's a bunny that balances stuff on its head! Kind of makes Beans look bad though, since he can't even keep food in his mouth. So I didn't show him (is that weird that I show cool stuff to my bunny sometimes? Whatever, I'm going to do it anyway).

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Fancy new stuff

          Ooh la la, what a fancy blog we have here! You see that header thing up there? The one with the cute little bunny on it? I MADE THAT. It took me a ridiculously long time, but at least now it looks slightly more like a vaguely interesting blog instead of a quilting website (which appears to be about 86% of Blogger). So let me introduce you to these high-tech new features!
  • DARLING CUSTOM BACKGROUND: Not really much to say about this...it's blue? It's argyle? Woop.
  • TAB BAR OF HOPE AND WONDER: Now you can click back and forth between different pages! Although right now I only have one page! So this is not really necessary! But I thought it looked cool! I really like exclamation points!
  • LABELS OF THE FUTURE: This isn't really new, I just stopped being lazy and organized stuff. Hooray (Do people still say hooray? I don't think so. That's going to be my new thing. I'm bringing hooray back.)!
  • THE GORGEOUS HEADER THING AGAIN: I just wanted all you people to know how hard I had to work on this thing. I don't have Photoshop or Illustrator or a computer that doesn't function like a drunken old man, so I had to make this like the cavemen used to make their blog headers. I first had to go on Paint (Yes, Paint still exists) and cut out my bunny. Then I had to go onto--are you ready for this?--my free downloaded trial version of Publisher (!), find a plain template, MEASURE MY HEADING BAR WITH AN ACTUAL PHYSICAL MEASURING TAPE, cut the template down to that size, spend four and a half hours doing stuff that would have taken any other less suckish laptop about twenty minutes, save it, go onto Blogger, upload my beautiful work of art, find out it was somehow still the wrong size, go back and save my Publisher thing as a .jpg, open it in Paint, resize it (repeat eight times), upload ot to Blogger again, and weep with happiness when I saw my blood, sweat and tears finally manifested into the glorious 11x4 rectangle most fourth graders could make in their computer classes. So you're welcome.

People Have Too Much Time On Their Hands

          I decided to start doing this little segment thingy ("The Internet is Amazing") every now and then, partly because the internet really is amazing and partly because I really need to blog more. So, this first list is just a bunch of stuff I found on the internet that is completely pointless, but is still either really funny or interesting because someone put a ridiculous amount of time into it. These internet people don't get nearly enough recognition most of the time, so...now they'll get recognition from a bunch of Russian people who somehow seem to find my blog more than anyone else.

http://mlp.wikia.com/wiki/Transcripts
This is a forum-type thing where people have actually taken the time to transcribe every single episode of My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic (which is a fantastic show). Some of this was done with the help of closed captioning, but the majority was transcribed BY EAR. That means these people either can type incredibly fast or have to transcribe the way I always do when writing out song lyrics or something, which is listening to a few seconds, trying to remember it while it's paused, and repeating the process about 854875474798 times. Bronies of the world salute you, you heroes of transcription.

http://www.moustacheyourself.com/
Here, you can put a moustache on a picture of yourself. I guess this is a priority for some people.

http://www.fartnames.com/
This list names and describes different types of farts, as well as giving additional names for farts. Perfect for the twelve-year-old boy in your life.

https://www.mywonderfullife.com/
For people who really love to plan ahead, this site allows you to plan your own funeral. From the way it's laid out, it looks like the social media site for the terminally ill. So that's always fun.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Terrifying Thing


          I'm not one of those people who gets freaked out really easily. I have no problem with snakes, spiders, or lizards. I'm not superstitious and I don't believe in ghosts.

          But there is one thing that absolutely petrifies me.

          This is the only animal I have ever met that I don't find cute or lovable in some way. Whenever I see one, I just want to get away from it as fast as possible. This animal is so disgusting and freakish that I can't imagine why anyone would want to own one, much less go to look at one. This revolting creature absolutely terrifies me.

(NOTE: Brace yourself before scrolling down. You may want to get all children out of the room. Be aware that you may have nightmares for the rest of your life.)


























          That's right, I'm scared of goats.

          Just in case you're blind, I'll explain why. Look at its eyes! That's disgusting! You know why they're shaped like a minus sign? Because they're subtracting your soul. Seriously, don't look at them too long. Also, their bodies are really weird shapes. They have two big bulgy things coming out of their sides, like they're always pregnant. I like to call them their "evil pouches." I'm pretty sure that's what makes them scarier than all the other animals--they have that extra space to store their freaky.

          You still may think I'm a little weird for thinking this. So let me tell you a little story about how I discovered that goats are creepy.

          Once upon a time, we were going to a band festival thing. Because it was in the middle of nowhere, we stopped at this dairy farm that had the best ice cream I've ever had in my entire life. They also introduced me to the wonderful world of fried cheese curds, but that is irrelevant.
          Anyway, my one mission this entire trip was to pet a cow, obviously. So of course, the natural place to go when you want to pet something is the petting zoo.
          When we got to the petting zoo, I was dismayed to find the only animals they had were goats and sheep (Later, I did find an adorable baby cow to pet. It was in the cow barn for mysterious reasons.) But all my friends did not seem to understand that it was urgent I pet a cow AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, so I had to stand there and watch these lesser farm animals.
          Everything started out fine, and I even petted a couple goats. I was so young and naive. But then this one goat came up to us and just stood there.
          There was nothing really all that special about this goat. It was just a normal looking brownish-gray goat with soul-sucking eyes. The only thing weird about this goat was its ears. They were big and floppy, like most goat ears, but the bottom inch or so was really weird. It was kind of folded up and stuck to the rest of its ear. Being the good Samaritans that me and my friend are, we decided that did not look very comfortable and decided to help it. So my friend reached out her hand and very gently touched the goat's ear, which it seemed like it should be used to since it lives in a PETTING ZOO. But apparently not.
          This thing went ballistic. It kind of jumped in the air and hovered there for a second, making a noise I can only describe as an asthmatic cat stuck in a hair dryer. It was also kicking around like it was having an evil little seizure or something. And the entire time, it's just staring at us, like that ear was its evil on/off switch and it was thanking us for releasing its goatish powers. Have you ever had a goat stare at you in fury? It's weird. It changes a person. It's something you can't get out of your head, and I'm honestly surprised I haven't needed therapy.

          So, that's the story of why I'm scared of goats. The end. Makes sense now, doesn't it?

Thursday, April 5, 2012

My Top Five Facebook Pet Peeves


          I realize this might be a little hypocritical, because I am probably the most obnoxious person on Facebook. But I'll let you in on a little secret: I try to be obnoxious. It's hilarious. People on Facebook are just magnified versions of their real life counterparts, so they're even more stupid, more easily offended, and more self-absorbed. Don't get me wrong; I really do think Facebook can be a valuable way to communicate with people you haven't seen in a long time or who live far away, but there are some things about it that just make me fear for the future of mankind. This is a countdown of the ten things about Facebook that make me mouth-vomit the most.

5. Posting WAY too many status updates.

          Sometimes, what you're doing is so exciting you just have to share it with the world. That's fine; once upon a time that was the original purpose for statuses. Here are some examples of circumstances where it is acceptable to post what you're doing at the moment:
          "I just discovered a cure for cancer in the form of a pill which tastes like waffles!"
          "I'm so glad I had time to wrestle that blind orphan out of that rabid grizzly bear's jaws before breakfast!"
          "Yay, I'm in space with a unicorn!"
          See, if those things popped up on your timeline, you would totally want to read them, right? Of course you would. But when people decide to post every single thing they do all day long, you not only get boring updates, you get a neverending list of boring updates that looks something like this:
          "Just got home from [insert place here], might hang out with Stacey/Kelsey/Kelly/Brittany later."
          "Getting ready to go over to StaceKelseKellBritt's! Trying to decide what shoes to wear."
          "Chose the sparkly shoes! Time to leave. Stackelskellbritt, I'll be there in about 20."
          "So happy to finally see Stakellbrit again. Squee!"
          "Going to the movies with Stkllbrt!"
          "Yay, I love hanging out with my bestfriend!*"
          Middle school girls of the world, go ahead and save yourself some time. Change your status to "Tell me how socially accepted I am" and go on with your life.

*See below

4. Using "bestfriend" as one word

          If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Go get a dictionary. No, not dictionary.com. Way to be lazy. I want you to go over to that shelf where you put all the stuff you don't use and find the dictionary. No, that's a stapler, but I suppose we're moving in the right direction. You can do this. No. Don't put that in your mouth! There you go. Now concentrate. Find the dictionary. It's the really big book. THERE you go. Okay, now turn to the "B" section (It comes after "A"). Do you see the word "bestfriend?" No? That's because IT ISN'T THERE. You can find "best" in there, and you can also find "friend." But not together. I don't know how this came to be a thing, but "bestfriend" is not a word in the English language. If you still are having trouble understanding this, look at these words. Goodfriends. Oldfriends. Generalacquaintances. See, those are not words. They are two (2) separate words with the space between them omitted. See how dumb that looks? Of course you do. So stop it.

3. Posting pictures of food

          I have no idea why this bothers me, and I might be the only person who feels this way. But I hate seeing people post pictures of what they're eating, probably because I just really don't care at all. If you are one of the people who does this, think of it this way: every time you post a picture of your food, exactly eight hours later, everyone will know not only know that you are pooping, but they will also know how painful it is based on the type of food. Be forewarned: If you are Facebook friends with me and you do this, I will wish you a successful dump six hours later on your wall where everyone can see it. Proceed with caution.

2. Complaining about "fake people"

          I cannot even tell you how many times I have seen people post "I hate fake people." I understand what you're trying to say, but your tiny brain can't seem to articulate it. You're saying you hate two-faced people, people who talk behind your back, and people who try to act like someone else. So why not just say that? "Fake" is probably around #327 on the list of words I would use to express my feelings in this situation. Let's analyze why.
          The definition of "fake" is "not real." Are you saying these people are human impersonators? Are they the products of aliens crossbred with robots and covered in human skin? If so, yeah, I would hate them too. That's messed up. On the other hand, by using such a general word, you're being a little selfish. If you've somehow found out about an alien plot to take over the world disguised as humans, I would like to know about it before my skin is peeled off and stretched around a robot skeleton. You're allowing everyone in the world to be killed because of your poor word choice. Way to go.

1. tYp1nq lyk Di$

          I really don't know why people do this. It doesn't make me think you're "gangsta" or that you "have swag" at all. The only way I've been able to avoid losing all faith in humanity when I see this is by inventing a fictional character whom I like to call K-Chops.
          K-Chops is an elderly man who is strongly opposed to technology of any sort. Raised in an Amish community, K-Chops left the farm in his thirties to fully devote himself to ending technological advances. After his many campaigns and marches against cell phones failed miserably, K-Chops decided he had taken one too many tomatoes to the head and switched to a different approach. Today, K-Chops has followers across the world dedicated to his cause. These people go around breaking into people's houses and chopping their keyboards in half (that's how K-Chops got his name).
          As you can imagine, it's rather difficult to type coherent sentences when you only have half a keyboard left to work with. These poor people have pressed on through adversity, doing the best they can with the keys they have left. It's a widespread problem, but these brave victims refuse to give up. They also seem to refuse to just buy a new keyboard, which is the one part of this theory that just doesn't add up. But I guess you have to spread the word somehow, and nothing makes people more protective of their keyboards than seeing the results of what could happen. It's like those new anti-smoking commercials thatshow the people with holes in their necks.

          This was originally going to be a list of ten things, but to be honest, I'm really tired of typing and I can't even narrow everything that annoys me about Facebook down to five more things. And I know you people* all have important things to do**, so I'm just going to end this here.

*My mom
**Farmville

         

Monday, April 2, 2012

Disney Characters Are Unrealistic

          Pretty much everyone in the United States--and probably beyond--watched the classic Disney movies growing up. Obviously, a lot of the talking animals and spontaneous yet well-choreographed songs in these movies aren't real, but even some of the human characters are really unrealistic


Belle (Beauty and the Beast)

          Okay, I see what the moral of the story is supposed to be: form your opinions of people based on their personalities, not their appearance. But apparently, that idea only applies as long as everyone ends up being both attractive and rich at the end, because everyone knows good things only happen to you if you're pretty. But I guess being pretty enough to earn being called Beauty is supposed to make up for everything else wrong with Belle. She's considered the "smart princess," I guess because she reads a lot, but how much are you really going to get out of a book when you only read while singing, dancing, and carrying out a conversation with various townspeople all at once? Also, the way she falls in "love" with the Beast is a little sketchy. She befriends a giant hairy monster dude with fangs because a teapot told her to.Good thing that big yellow dress is pretty much just a portable padded room.

Ariel mermaid.jpg

Ariel (The Little Mermaid)

          Okay. Just look at this girl. THAT IS NOT NATURAL. I have no idea how you would go about dying your hair underwater, but even if that was somehow possible, it's not going to stay that flowy all the time. Now look at her eyes. Those things are freakishly huge. Eyes are spheres, Disney--part of them is inside of her head. Just imagine how much room those vapid golf balls must take up. Where exactly does her brain go? Ah, but that's the magic of Disney; girls don't have brains! Which explains my next issue with Little Miss No-Legs. At one point in the movie, she's singing about the world of land while examining all the mysterious items she collected. She is especially fascinated by a fork and doesn't seem to know what to do with it because she has never seen before. Because I guess the GIANT FORK HER DAD CARRIES AT ALL TIMES hasn't left much of an impression.
Lastly, there is one big problem with Ariel that I haven't been able to get over since I was about four, and if anyone can answer this they will be my hero forever. How does she poop?

Princess Tianna.jpg

Tiana (The Princess and the Frog)

          I haven't actually seen this movie, so maybe that's just why parts of it don't make sense to me. Tiana is Disney's first (and probably only) black princess. I see what they're trying to do, and I think that's great, but some of the logistics still don't quite add up. All the other princesses live in a place that actually exists (France, China, England, India, the ocean, etc.). I'm not trying to be racist at all here, but the only countries I can think of that have a black royal family would be in Africa. And maybe their governmental assets would be better spent on ending starvation and preventing malaria than on sparkly blue dresses. But maybe that's just me.

UPDATE: I looked up some info on this movie, and it turns out Tiana is actually an American, and is not a princess at all, but a waitress who aspires to open her own restaurant called Tiana's Palace. That's actually super cute and is probably one of the only Disney movies where the girl is actually able to do something on her own. I kind of want to go see this movie now.



(Almost) All the Princes

          For the record, I'm mostly talking about the very earliest Disney princess movies (specifically Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty and Belle). The more recent ones have gotten a lot better and don't do these things as much.

          Most of Disney's characters are pretty two-dimensional (well, technically ALL of them are two-dimensional, but I'm talking personality-wise), but I think the task of character development for the prince role must be given to the laziest and stupidest interns Disney can find. The prince's only role in these movies is to marry the princess. His personality, interests, and even the country he rules aren't really all that important, all that matters is that he saves the princess from whatever stupid and incompetent girlish mischief she's gotten herself into before her hair gets messed up.
          These princes are so similar in the way they look, act, dress, and recite generic and limited lines that Disney didn't even bother to give some of them real names. Prince Phillip and Prince Eric are okay, except for the fact that 'Prince' appears to be their first name, but Cinderella falls in love with Prince Charming, who I would assume has family members with names like Duke Generosity and Sir Fancy the Glamorous. As if it weren't bad enough that he decided he was going to marry her after about three hours, he  forgot what she looked like and had to figure out what she looked like based on her shoe size. Which is totally a legitimate way to ID someone, because no one wears the same shoe size. I'm thinking if you know so little about someone that you've forgotten their hair color, you might want to postpone the wedding for a while. And it shouldn't have been that hard to figure out who Cinderella was in the first place, because everyone knows Cinderella was nice, and only ugly people are mean, so he really didn't even have to bother with her ugly stepsisters.
          But the very worst name of all belongs to The Prince in Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. No, that wasn't sloppy capitalization, that's his name. I checked. Four times. This poor guy actually has "The" as his first name on his birth certificate. I guess that's okay, though, because his girlfriend gets her name from being whiter than WonderBread, and everyone else in that movie has an adjective for a name.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Why I Hate April Fool's Day

My entire life, I have always loved April Fool's Day. What's not to like? You just get to mess with people for an entire day. It's like they based a holiday around what I do every day. April Fool's Day is the obnoxious person's Christmas. So I've always gotten pretty pumped for it every year.
Until last year.
It was a Monday. Everything was going pretty well, especially because I just got Beans the day before (by the way, that means yesterday was his birthday. He turned approximately one-ish. We're having a party later. Pictures will follow, unless he refuses to pose; he's kind of a diva.). Anyway, my mom woke me up and told me to come look in Beans' room. The top of his cage was ripped off, there was red stuff all over, and HE WAS GONE. Then my mom said, "Did you remember to close the door last night?" That's right, SHE WAS ACTING LIKE IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. What kind of sick twisted person accuses their sweet little daughter of killing a bunny before breakfast?
Obviously, I started crying, because I thought my dog ate my rabbit, not to mention the fact that the cage and everything was kind of expensive and and hadn't even gotten my money's worth out of it, and I was also still half asleep. And then my mom decided she was done being awful and my brother came upstairs holding Beans, who was perfectly fine. My brother was laughing so I punched him. The end.

Saturday, March 31, 2012

Confusion

Hmm...so, I guess I have a blog now. This is my first time making a real blog; I've made websites on webs.com before, but I always end up feeling like I've destroyed the internet. I really don't know what to write about, but I guess it doesn't really matter, because I doubt anyone is going to be reading this anyway. So yeah.