Sunday, August 5, 2012

The Queen of England is a LIE

          A few months ago, during the Queen's Diamond Jubilee or whatever, I realized something: Queen Elizabeth always wears a hat. Like, ALL THE TIME. And it's usually at such an angle that you can't really see her entire face, or else there's like a horse butt or a flower or something covering it. But why would the British want to obscure their beloved monarch's face? I'll tell you why: it's because the Queen is dead.
          If you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. Besides the whole face thing, there's a lot of other suspicious evidence. I mean, she's been queen for fifty or sixty years. Seems a little fishy. And she doesn't seem to have aged too much, either. I don't know what kind of fancy British Botox she's supposed to be using, but I guess it works pretty well.
          This overwhelming amount of suspicious behavior can only mean one thing: there's a scandal afoot. The queen--if that is even her real name--is an impostor.
          But why would the Queensmen (which is a name I made up for people who work for the queen) want to make it look like Q.E. is still alive? Several reasons. First, William and Kate. If the queen died, I'm pretty sure they are the new bosses (I talk like an eight-year-old). And they can't do cute little British married things if they're running a country, DUH. Which would pretty much put all tabloids out of business. So Operation Don't Tell About Our Dead Queen is economically sound. Secondly (is that a word?), the queen is like England's mascot. Can you imagine what it would be like if you woke up one day to find out Mickey Mouse had a stroke? It would ruin your world. Well, Q.E. is like England's Mickey. But with more hats. So when she died, they had to replace her without anyone noticing.
          Of course, such a plan would be incredibly difficult to carry out undetected. They had to have queen auditions to find someone who looked enough like the queen. But once they chose a new queen, they couldn't just let all the other old ladies roam free. So they had to kill them (that escalated quickly). Then arose the problem of what to do with the bodies--how suspicious would it look if a big group of ladies who all look extremely similar died at the same time and were all buried right next to each other? And this is the part of the plan that will answer all your questions about everything: they hide the bodies in the guards' big black fuzzy hats. Why do you think those guys aren't allowed to move? It's because if they do, they might drop an old lady arm! It all fits together a little too well to deny, don't you think? And here you thought I was crazy.
          Once they pick New Queen, they have to make her look even MORE like the real queen. So they have those people who can do like movie makeup and stuff come over and make her face shaped a little  differently, like making her nose a little longer or her jaw a little wider and stuff. Then, once they do that, they gradually add less and less of these elements to her face every time she appears in public, so everyone will think she just looks a little different with age. Eventually, she looks like herself again, and no one even knows because they think she's queen. And then SHE dies and they start all over again. This process has probably repeated about ten times by now, so the current "queen" probably looks nothing like the original, who could have been black for all we know.
           If you're British, I'm sorry for crushing your hopes and dreams. But think of it this way: you can be queen someday! Or, if you are male or look nothing like the "queen," you can be Mickey Mouse. So we're all winners here.

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