Monday, November 19, 2012

Things the World Needs (As Dictated by Spongebob Squarepants)

          I'm sick. For the first time in about five years. And with one rare occasion comes another--I am actually blogging! WOO! YEAH! America.
          Like most sick people, I feel entitled to judge and complain about pretty much everything right now. And what better place to whine than the Internet? Besides the Democratic National Convention, I mean, because that already happened (BURN!). So I'm just going to blather on about things that should be changed in the world. At least, that was what I planned on doing until I realized that almost all of these things could be remedied by the ideals of that subterranean guru, Spongebob Squarepants, from whom I have learned so much over the years. But as I continued that list, I realized that some of these lessons are a little less than positive. So...enjoy this steaming pile of I don't even know.

1. The first thing I learned from Spongebob is that it doesn't matter if you work at a fast food restaurant or don't have a fancy boat like everyone else. As long as you're doing something you love, you will be happy. It also doesn't matter if you don't wear pants to work...or ever.

2. Animals from dry land are smarter than animals underwater, meaning racism is alive and well. Or something like that.

3. Genetics mean nothing (Mr. Krabs and Pearl).

4. All you need is a box and an imagination to have fun.

5. Every paint comes off with something.

6. If you are locked in a freezer, you will not die but will thaw out hundreds of years later completely unaged.

7. If your friend tries to be a doctor and fails, creating an even bigger problem that causes you to have to go to the hospital, it's perfectly okay to trust that same person to try again about six years later, despite the fact that they have had no additional medical schooling and weren't particularly intelligent in the first place.

8. Mayonnaise is not an instrument.

9. Being in law enforcement is super fun because you get your own theme song.

10. Unibrows are fancy. Gilded doorknobs are fancier. A unibrow made of gilded doorknobs is the fanciest.

11. Once you are an adult, you don't get things like sweaters and cookies. You have sideburns to keep you warm and steamed coral to provide nutrients.

12. Googly eyes on a rock is equal to fine art.

And finally,

13. No matter what the circumstances may be, any accident at all will result in someone getting their leg hurt.

1 comment:

  1. Oh my goodness Ellen- you are so funny! I love it, and you need to blog more!