Saturday, April 14, 2012

A Terrifying Thing

          I'm not one of those people who gets freaked out really easily. I have no problem with snakes, spiders, or lizards. I'm not superstitious and I don't believe in ghosts.

          But there is one thing that absolutely petrifies me.

          This is the only animal I have ever met that I don't find cute or lovable in some way. Whenever I see one, I just want to get away from it as fast as possible. This animal is so disgusting and freakish that I can't imagine why anyone would want to own one, much less go to look at one. This revolting creature absolutely terrifies me.

(NOTE: Brace yourself before scrolling down. You may want to get all children out of the room. Be aware that you may have nightmares for the rest of your life.)

          That's right, I'm scared of goats.

          Just in case you're blind, I'll explain why. Look at its eyes! That's disgusting! You know why they're shaped like a minus sign? Because they're subtracting your soul. Seriously, don't look at them too long. Also, their bodies are really weird shapes. They have two big bulgy things coming out of their sides, like they're always pregnant. I like to call them their "evil pouches." I'm pretty sure that's what makes them scarier than all the other animals--they have that extra space to store their freaky.

          You still may think I'm a little weird for thinking this. So let me tell you a little story about how I discovered that goats are creepy.

          Once upon a time, we were going to a band festival thing. Because it was in the middle of nowhere, we stopped at this dairy farm that had the best ice cream I've ever had in my entire life. They also introduced me to the wonderful world of fried cheese curds, but that is irrelevant.
          Anyway, my one mission this entire trip was to pet a cow, obviously. So of course, the natural place to go when you want to pet something is the petting zoo.
          When we got to the petting zoo, I was dismayed to find the only animals they had were goats and sheep (Later, I did find an adorable baby cow to pet. It was in the cow barn for mysterious reasons.) But all my friends did not seem to understand that it was urgent I pet a cow AT THAT EXACT MOMENT, so I had to stand there and watch these lesser farm animals.
          Everything started out fine, and I even petted a couple goats. I was so young and naive. But then this one goat came up to us and just stood there.
          There was nothing really all that special about this goat. It was just a normal looking brownish-gray goat with soul-sucking eyes. The only thing weird about this goat was its ears. They were big and floppy, like most goat ears, but the bottom inch or so was really weird. It was kind of folded up and stuck to the rest of its ear. Being the good Samaritans that me and my friend are, we decided that did not look very comfortable and decided to help it. So my friend reached out her hand and very gently touched the goat's ear, which it seemed like it should be used to since it lives in a PETTING ZOO. But apparently not.
          This thing went ballistic. It kind of jumped in the air and hovered there for a second, making a noise I can only describe as an asthmatic cat stuck in a hair dryer. It was also kicking around like it was having an evil little seizure or something. And the entire time, it's just staring at us, like that ear was its evil on/off switch and it was thanking us for releasing its goatish powers. Have you ever had a goat stare at you in fury? It's weird. It changes a person. It's something you can't get out of your head, and I'm honestly surprised I haven't needed therapy.

          So, that's the story of why I'm scared of goats. The end. Makes sense now, doesn't it?


  1. Thanks for making me laugh. It's so true - goats have such strange eyes and it's even weirder when you see humans with goat like eyes and mouths too.

  2. This is so funny
    aww i love goats (^_^)/
    just not ones with horns (they have no qualms about hurting you)
    only baby ones :3