Thursday, April 5, 2012

My Top Five Facebook Pet Peeves

          I realize this might be a little hypocritical, because I am probably the most obnoxious person on Facebook. But I'll let you in on a little secret: I try to be obnoxious. It's hilarious. People on Facebook are just magnified versions of their real life counterparts, so they're even more stupid, more easily offended, and more self-absorbed. Don't get me wrong; I really do think Facebook can be a valuable way to communicate with people you haven't seen in a long time or who live far away, but there are some things about it that just make me fear for the future of mankind. This is a countdown of the ten things about Facebook that make me mouth-vomit the most.

5. Posting WAY too many status updates.

          Sometimes, what you're doing is so exciting you just have to share it with the world. That's fine; once upon a time that was the original purpose for statuses. Here are some examples of circumstances where it is acceptable to post what you're doing at the moment:
          "I just discovered a cure for cancer in the form of a pill which tastes like waffles!"
          "I'm so glad I had time to wrestle that blind orphan out of that rabid grizzly bear's jaws before breakfast!"
          "Yay, I'm in space with a unicorn!"
          See, if those things popped up on your timeline, you would totally want to read them, right? Of course you would. But when people decide to post every single thing they do all day long, you not only get boring updates, you get a neverending list of boring updates that looks something like this:
          "Just got home from [insert place here], might hang out with Stacey/Kelsey/Kelly/Brittany later."
          "Getting ready to go over to StaceKelseKellBritt's! Trying to decide what shoes to wear."
          "Chose the sparkly shoes! Time to leave. Stackelskellbritt, I'll be there in about 20."
          "So happy to finally see Stakellbrit again. Squee!"
          "Going to the movies with Stkllbrt!"
          "Yay, I love hanging out with my bestfriend!*"
          Middle school girls of the world, go ahead and save yourself some time. Change your status to "Tell me how socially accepted I am" and go on with your life.

*See below

4. Using "bestfriend" as one word

          If you are reading this, please do me a favor. Go get a dictionary. No, not Way to be lazy. I want you to go over to that shelf where you put all the stuff you don't use and find the dictionary. No, that's a stapler, but I suppose we're moving in the right direction. You can do this. No. Don't put that in your mouth! There you go. Now concentrate. Find the dictionary. It's the really big book. THERE you go. Okay, now turn to the "B" section (It comes after "A"). Do you see the word "bestfriend?" No? That's because IT ISN'T THERE. You can find "best" in there, and you can also find "friend." But not together. I don't know how this came to be a thing, but "bestfriend" is not a word in the English language. If you still are having trouble understanding this, look at these words. Goodfriends. Oldfriends. Generalacquaintances. See, those are not words. They are two (2) separate words with the space between them omitted. See how dumb that looks? Of course you do. So stop it.

3. Posting pictures of food

          I have no idea why this bothers me, and I might be the only person who feels this way. But I hate seeing people post pictures of what they're eating, probably because I just really don't care at all. If you are one of the people who does this, think of it this way: every time you post a picture of your food, exactly eight hours later, everyone will know not only know that you are pooping, but they will also know how painful it is based on the type of food. Be forewarned: If you are Facebook friends with me and you do this, I will wish you a successful dump six hours later on your wall where everyone can see it. Proceed with caution.

2. Complaining about "fake people"

          I cannot even tell you how many times I have seen people post "I hate fake people." I understand what you're trying to say, but your tiny brain can't seem to articulate it. You're saying you hate two-faced people, people who talk behind your back, and people who try to act like someone else. So why not just say that? "Fake" is probably around #327 on the list of words I would use to express my feelings in this situation. Let's analyze why.
          The definition of "fake" is "not real." Are you saying these people are human impersonators? Are they the products of aliens crossbred with robots and covered in human skin? If so, yeah, I would hate them too. That's messed up. On the other hand, by using such a general word, you're being a little selfish. If you've somehow found out about an alien plot to take over the world disguised as humans, I would like to know about it before my skin is peeled off and stretched around a robot skeleton. You're allowing everyone in the world to be killed because of your poor word choice. Way to go.

1. tYp1nq lyk Di$

          I really don't know why people do this. It doesn't make me think you're "gangsta" or that you "have swag" at all. The only way I've been able to avoid losing all faith in humanity when I see this is by inventing a fictional character whom I like to call K-Chops.
          K-Chops is an elderly man who is strongly opposed to technology of any sort. Raised in an Amish community, K-Chops left the farm in his thirties to fully devote himself to ending technological advances. After his many campaigns and marches against cell phones failed miserably, K-Chops decided he had taken one too many tomatoes to the head and switched to a different approach. Today, K-Chops has followers across the world dedicated to his cause. These people go around breaking into people's houses and chopping their keyboards in half (that's how K-Chops got his name).
          As you can imagine, it's rather difficult to type coherent sentences when you only have half a keyboard left to work with. These poor people have pressed on through adversity, doing the best they can with the keys they have left. It's a widespread problem, but these brave victims refuse to give up. They also seem to refuse to just buy a new keyboard, which is the one part of this theory that just doesn't add up. But I guess you have to spread the word somehow, and nothing makes people more protective of their keyboards than seeing the results of what could happen. It's like those new anti-smoking commercials thatshow the people with holes in their necks.

          This was originally going to be a list of ten things, but to be honest, I'm really tired of typing and I can't even narrow everything that annoys me about Facebook down to five more things. And I know you people* all have important things to do**, so I'm just going to end this here.

*My mom



  1. hahaha i think you are my venting soulmate! I also try to be obnoxious - it is hilarious to observe people's reactions. A virtual zoo!

    Dont forget the 'suicidal divas' who threaten overdosing on nutella because their hair was dyed red instead of auburn!

    1. Yes! I think I'm going to end up making a Part 2, because I have so much more to say. Drama queens would definitely be in there somewhere. Glad you like my ranting!