Wednesday, June 13, 2012

America's Biggest Problem

          At this point, I think we can all admit this country has some serious problems that need to be addressed (most of which have something to do with somebody whose name rhymes with Schmarack Globama). But today, I'm not going to focus on the economy, foreign policy, or any other shananigans those liberals have gotten themselves into lately. No, I'm going to talk about an issue that no one else seems to have any concern over, and that is completely appalling to me. Grammar.
          Somebody really needs to get working on the public education system, because it really sucks. The priorities are so skewed. Can someone please explain to me why it is more important to know how to derive a function than know the difference between "your" and "you're," or why people can list off dozens of Civil War battles but don't know how to spell basic three-syllable words? I'll tell you why; it's because they let any idiot stand in front of a classroom. If standards keep going even further downhill from here, I am bracing myself to have a Speak and Spell as a college professor.
          But there are some things about grammar that I can't even blame on the schools. I think America's combination of contentment with stupidity and hipster culture has caused people to start drumming up new grammatical errors, because proper use of the English language is SO mainstream.
          Without further ado, here is a list of quick grammar lessons with corresponding phrases to help you learn them. If you don't learn these things, I am starting an army which will go around pantsing grammar offenders.

1. Rule: When ending a quotation, place punctuation (comma, period, etc.) BEFORE the end quote.
Correct: "I am an educated individual who understands the English language," said Professor N. Telligent.
Incorrect: "I am a blithering idiot", said Dum E. Pants.
Hint: If you put punctuation outside a quote, disgusting pus will come out of your throat!

2. Rule: Don't end a sentence with a preposition.
Correct: I can't decide with which of my many friends I should celebrate my Smartest Person in the World party!
Incorrect: Now that I am an idiot and have no friends, I have no way of knowing where my life saving medication is at.
Hint: Only those with a poor disposition end a sentence with a preposition.

3. Rule: "You're" is a contraction of "you are," while "your" is used to show ownership.
Correct: I'll be your best friend if you're going to keep up that awesome grammar usage!
Incorrect: Your almost as dumb as me!
Hint: If you use "your" when you mean "you are," your brain's as useful as a jar!

4. "A lot" is two words.
Correct: I sure am having a lot of fun being this smart!
Incorrect: I'm having alot of diarrhea.
Hint: If you put "a" and "lot" together, I'M GOING TO SEND YOU PICTURES OF SPACE BARS AS WELL AS A LINK TO http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/ UNTIL YOU GET THE POINT.

I don't want everyone's tiny little brains to get overwhelmed with too much complex information, so I'm just going to end this here. So spend a little less time tweeting about your "bestfriend" and get to know your new buddy, the apostrophe (that's the one that looks like this: ').

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